heart

heart:   \ˈhärt\

~ noun:  the emotional or moral disposition as distinguished from the intellectual nature as:  1.) a generous disposition, compassion; 2.) love, affection; 3.) courage, ardor ~

early this year, i lost my first canine love, my greater swiss mountain dog, ranger, to spleen cancer.  he was just shy of 7 years old.  we had been partners-in-crime since he was 4 months old.  he had seen me through the worst heartbreak i have ever experienced.  he watched me struggle, change, grow.  he watched me fall in love again.  we had a closeness that defies all explanation.

it was springtime.  we were at the beach.  like his mommy, it was his most favorite place on the planet.  everything was status quo.  then, my buddy wasn't acting like himself.  ranger had been sick before.  however, my maternal instinct kicked in.

this was different. 

i knew ranger.

he had never acted like this.

sick or well.

by the grace of god, we found an amazing vet who agreed to take him.  we may have to wait, as they had a full calendar, but she agreed to see him.

we went. 

his last jeep ride.

somehow, in my heart, i knew this would be his last one.

in a 4 hour stretch of time, i found out that my best friend had cancer.  a cancer that is asymptomatic in dogs  and that spreads rapidly. 

it had spread to his liver. 

he was bleeding out into his abdomen.  the specialist this dear, sweet woman consulted with, said that if...and that was a big if...he didn't die on the three hour ride home... he had a 10% chance of  surviving if...another big if...he survived the surgery.

i didn't want him to suffer.

he didn't deserve that.  he deserved better. 

he'd saved me.  time and time again.

in his last hours, i wanted to save him too.

i made the easiest and most painful decision i've ever had to make in my life.

under a blooming mimosa tree in morehead city, nc, we said goodbye.

we should all be so lucky.  to experience a mere four hours of pain before we leave this life.

however, the story doesn't end there....

when my husband, troy, and i were dating, i boldly declared that i would always have a dog.  (it was part of my short list on criteria for dating...:))

but...

...now...i had lost one.  my little furball.  my ranger roo.  my love....

did i really want to do this again?

could i love again?

did i want to risk the pain of losing another one?

yeah.

yeah, i could.

i took a risk.  i opened up my heart.  a very scared, trembling heart, but it opened up none the less.

to hope.

to love.

to possibility....

....to a little brown chesapeake bay retriever.... 

his name is bogue.  he is named after the body of water off the coast of north carolina where troy and i got engaged, where we got married, and where his big brother went to heaven.

i am grateful everyday that i opened my heart.

how empty life would be if we didn't take that risk every once and awhile.

every day is a holiday (especially with a little brown dog) -