one day....

yeah...so about that blogging every day thing....

it isn't that i haven't been writing every day regularly.  a lot of it just hasn't made it here on ye ol' blog.

here's the thing y'all.

the biggest challenge that is going on in my life right now, the health thing that consumes most of my waking thoughts...the health thing that i have to pick myself up and dust myself on and convince myself to keep moving forward....the health thing that is 99.9% of my journal ramblings....

that health thing....i struggle with whether or not to make it public knowledge.

i am not good at being cryptic, contrary to what it looks like on this blog.

i have a tendency to live my life out loud and i really let it go when i am writing.  writing is my outlet.  the place where i don't hold anything back.

so, when i sit here with a blank blog post open and the cursor is blinking at me, what i really want to do is live out loud.  i want to tell anyone who is reading this what the "health thing" is and to not be cryptic anymore.

i want to tell you  how it has and continues to affect my life on a daily basis.  i want you to know how i am coping...how i toggle between thinking that my coping mechanisms are much healthier than they were 2 years, 1 year, 6 months ago or if i have just become completely and totally numb now.  i want you to know that some days i feel like a fearless warrior and some days just completely, for lack of a better word (sorry mom), suck, and i want to throw in the towel.

i want to tell you after months and months and months of letting the health thing steal my joy, i woke up one morning and decided that i was going to live my life and i was going to enjoy it, health thing be damned.

(you know all that stuff i say about you creating your own happiness and not being dependent on anyone or anything else to make you happy?  i am walking the talk, friends, all day, errrry day.)

i want to tell you that even after i decided that, there are days i cry and withdraw from people that love me...  how i have to have hard conversations with them about what to expect, or not to expect from me because i am on heightened self-protection mode...and some days, weeks, months...i just can't.

(i have to be.  i have to protect myself.  the health thing has broken me open too many times.  i've experienced insensitivity in a variety of ways, by those who didn't even know they were demonstrating it at the time.  i have felt excluded and isolated in a way i've never experienced. those who have never been through it, as much as they'd like to, will never truly understand.)

what i want more than anything though, is to be able to reach through the computer screen and help people who are in the same "health thing" club as i am.  i know that there are many members.

i personally only know of one in my circle of people and she has been my life line.

i'd like to be that for someone else.

my whole point of blogging was two-fold:  1)  an outlet for my writing and 2) to be able to help, support, and uplift others.

i know my story could help someone else.

i know this.

all that being said, i'm just not there yet.  i still have a long way to trudge along on this journey.

a journey that is sensitive, emotional, painful at times, and intensely personal.

i just can't.

not yet.

stay with me though.

one day i'll be on the other side of this.


one day i'll be ready to share this chapter or my life.

via

xoxox -