farewell

fare·well:  [fair-wel]

~ NOUN:  AN EXPRESSION OF GOOD WISHES AT PARTING; TAKING LEAVE; DEPARTURE ~



i have to be honest with you.  i am more than ready to say farewell to 2012.  it was a difficult year, especially the latter half, throwing many more punches than embracing hugs.  it seemed to be that way, not only for me, but for many people who are closest to me, which just seemed to make matters worse.

it was just, as one of my best friends, melissa, would say, "blech!"

as 2012 comes to a close, i want to take a look back at the good things that happened in the past year, instead of focusing on the negative.  hopefully, creating a good, positive welcome for 2013.

the top 25 good things that i have learned or have happened in 2012:

*  our annual ski trip, which took us to aspen/snowmass.  there may have been a sasquatch sighting, a mechanical louis armstrong performance, a lighted dance floor in our condo, and a toliet paper fight.

*  my 35th birthday party, surrounded by family and friends, complete with a limo!

*  all the "firsts" with my godson:  first birthday, first trip to the zoo, first trip to the aquarium, and first trip to the pumpkin patch. 

*  celebrating my parents' 40th wedding anniversary.

*  discovering which friendships i should invest time and energy into and which i should not.  a hard lesson, but a good one to have learned.  i do have some pretty amazing people in my life.


*  numerous beach weekends at pine knoll shores with great friends.

*  my family's annual trip to hilton head island.

*  celebrating bogue's 1st birthday.

*  realizing that i am not responsible for everyone's happiness and i can't fix everyone's problems.  (i still struggle with this, but i'm getting better each day.)

*  celebrating my 2nd wedding anniversary with a man i am so blessed to call my husband.

*  apple squeeze at the frye farm with my bestie, lise, and godson.  homemade apple cider is the bomb.

*  nc state football games, especially when we had special guests at the tailgate, like my cousins!

*  beginning the journey of forgiving myself and letting go.

*  running my first 8k race, complete with a sparkly pink t-shirt and ribbon for my cousin who is battling (and is beating) breast cancer.

*  finding the right specialist to assist me with my health issue.

*  camping trips at the frye farm.  occupy carthage 2012.  if anyone wants to know where bogue is, he's in the pond.  go team razor cat! 

*  making the executive decision to eliminate negative energy, as much as possible, from my life.  i have learned to not tolerate meanness.

*  learning that just when i think i can't take one more step on this journey, i somehow muster up the strength to do so and it is worth it every.single.time.

*  realizing that the past does not determine your future.

*  making two new girlfriends in unexpected places.

*  yoga practice, passive yoga practice, and tea with my sweet friend, mel.  she is a gift and helps center me.

*  our 5th annual holiday party.

*  christmas with our families.

*  continuing my little family's tradition of escaping to the beach after christmas through the new year.

*  being ready to move forward and not look back!

here's to a rock star 2013!  bring it on!!

xoxox -


     

self-care

self-care:  [self-kair]

~NOUN:  THE CARE OF ONESELF WITHOUT MEDICAL, PROFESSIONAL, OR OTHER ASSISTANCE OR OVERSIGHT.~

two weeks ago, i had what can only be described as a meltdown in the office of my acupuncturist.

as occurs before each treatment, she asked how i was doing and my response was a habitual, “ok.”

she glanced up from the pad of paper on her desk and prompted me by saying, “there seems to be a lot more going on behind that ok.  now tell me the truth.  how are you?”

the tears welled up in my eyes and the words began to tumble out.

i was a disaster.  i was tired.  stressed and worried because of the disappointing news i had regarding my health.   i was overcommitted.  overwhelmed.   anxious. 

we were entering the holiday season, which should be joyous, but i was determined that everything had to be perfect.   all my family and friends have to be happy and i felt totally, 100% responsible for that.

(even though i know that each individual is responsible for his or her own happiness and the moment we are reliant on someone else or something to make us happy is when things start to unravel.)

my body was pleading with me to stop, in the form of a cough that wouldn’t go away and hives on my wrists and back.

she looked at me and calmly said, “you must stop trying to be the perfect wife, daughter, friend, and work colleague.  you’ll always fail and be stressed and anxious  if you are holding yourself to some lofty idea of perfection that you alone have created in your mind.   you don’t have to be everything to everyone.   you are not responsible for everyone’s happiness.   the one thing you must do is take care of yourself, both physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  you will fail everyone, including yourself, if you don’t do this.  the people in your life who truly love you and care about you will understand that sometimes you will need to say “no” and do what you have to do to take care of yourself.   they will not put any further demands or expectations on you.  if they do, especially during a time when you are feeling delicate or fragile, then you may want to reevaluate who is surrounding you.”

her words hit me like a ton of bricks and every single one rang true.

somewhere along the line, guilt with his trusty sidekick, fear, had convinced me that self-care was selfish, instead of an important component of truly getting the most out of my life, including my relationships.

when my life gets hectic, as life is wont to do from time to time, self-care should be a top priority.  for me?  it gets pushed to the bottom of the list.

i haven’t made time for any of the things that i do to take care of my body and soul.

(in all honesty, it was a miracle that i actually made my acupuncture appointment that week.)

so very gently and slowly, i have started to say, “no.”

i have started to delegate.

i am leaning back into taking care of myself in the forms that speak to my soul:  journaling, meditation with lots of breath-work, acupuncture, and yoga.  along with a bubble bath and good book mixed in for good measure.

this isn’t always easy.

guilt and fear often try to drag me down, especially when i receive a negative reaction from a loved one.

when i feel that bubbling up, i sit.  i sit and i breathe through it.  i remind myself that taking care of myself, in whatever way i deem necessary is not selfish, but indeed a necessity for me to be the type of person i feel called to be in this world. 

in the hustle and bustle of the holiday season,  i know that there are parties to attend, gifts to be wrapped, and cookies to be baked, but i would challenge each of us to take time for self-care.  say “no” to one thing.  pay the extra twenty cents for holiday card envelopes to be printed.  get up 15 minutes earlier to sit with yourself.  go for a run.  do whatever it is that will feed your body and soul and allow you to share your gifts with the world.

love yourself, so you can truly, madly, deeply love others.

xoxox - 

alone

a·lone:  [uh-lohn]

~ADJECTIVE:  SEPARATE, APART, ISOLATED FROM OTHERS~


for the past few months, i've been dealing with a health issue.

(for the time being, i'd like to leave it at that.  not as an attempt to be cryptic, but simply, some things are private.  maybe in the future i'll get into the details, but for now, i prefer to keep quiet.)

it is nothing life-threatening or anything like that, but a struggle nonetheless.

i received some disappointing news this morning and i have been crying on and off since then.

i feel broken and battered, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

i wonder whether i am being karmically punished for something i've done.

i question the path that i am taking to get this resolved.  am i doing enough?  am i not doing the right thing(s)?

i'm angry that i seem to be the "1" in those 1 in 10 statistics i hear about all the time.

frankly, i'm sick and damn tired, of my body not working the way it is "supposed to."


more than anything i feel alone.


and that is why i'm writing this post.

not for sympathy and really not as a "poor me" rant, although some may see it that way.

i know that there are people in this world who have circumstances infinitely more difficult than my own.  i acknowledge that and send my love and prayers.

i also acknowledge that each of us is on our own journey.  that my pain, sadness, and disappointments aren't any less valid because "it could always be worse."

you know what?  so are yours.

i'm guessing there are other people out there who are dealing with some of the same emotions i am regarding their own circumstances and who feel desperately alone.

that is the reason i am sharing this.

you are NOT alone.

i'm here with you and guess what?

i'll hold your hand. 

i'll give you all the love my heart can give.

i'll help pick you up and we'll figure out what to do next. 

because that's what we do.

we move forward....away from the darkness and back into the light.

so, for today, i hope you'll hold my hand and send me love and let me cry a little.

then, tomorrow, we'll move forward.

xoxox -

halloween

Hal·low·een:  [hal-uh-ween, -oh-een, hol-]

~ NOUN:  THE EVENING OF OCTOBER 31ST; THE EVE OF ALL SAINTS DAY; ALL HALLOWS EVE; OBSERVED ESPECIALLY BY CHILDREN IN COSTUMES WHO SOLICIT TREATS, OFTEN BY THREATENING MINOR PRANKS ~

happy halloween friends!! 

as i sit here with my cup of coffee and pumpkin scone, i simply cannot believe where the time has gone.  i feel like i was just sitting here writing about my word of intention for 2012 and now, the holiday season is upon us.

provided i can successfully make it through the marathon conference calls today, it is going to be a great halloween! 

a few of the things i'm looking forward to today:

*  carving our pumpkins!  this year, we decided to get two pumpkins.  one will be for the furkids and have a big paw print on it.  the second will be our "traditional" pumpkin.  each year, husband and i do the standard two triangles for eyes, one triangle for the nose, but the special part is how many teeth will show up in our pumpkin's smile!  we carve one tooth for each halloween we've spent together as a married couple.  this year, our pumpkin will have three!  i love that special tradition we created and i get a little sentimental every year. 

*  fresh apple cider!  back in late august, we went to my best friend, lise's, family farm for an old fashioned apple picking and cider making.  my friends, this is not the stuff you get in the grocery store.  it is so fresh, so delicious, so pure.  i have had it stashed away in the freezer, just waiting for the perfect debut.  tonight is the night!

*  snuggling my godson, jordan!  i am so excited to give him his halloween surprise, which includes his first crayons and coloring books!  his mama, lise, is a huge unc fan and is dressing him up as their mascot, rameses, the bighorn ram.  now, anyone who knows me, knows that i am a HUGE nc state fan and unc is one of our biggest rivals.  the only person who could get me to snuggle with the unc mascot, is my cutie pie godson.  i will be rocking my nc state cheerleader uniform as my costume, though.  got to represent my team and i think it will make for some cute pictures too!

*  giving out treats to all our trick-or-treaters with my family, friends, and neighbors!  i'm so glad my parents are going to join us this year, as they don't get trick-or-treaters in their neigborhood, and we have tons!  plus, we make it into a really fun event in our neighborhood! our house, as well as our neighbors' houses, sit on pretty steep driveways.  so, we pull our firepits down to the bottom of the driveways and set up shop there so the kiddos (and parents) don't have to make the hike up to our houses.  it is always such a fun night of fellowship and laughter!

i hope each of you has a safe and fun halloween!  what are you looking forward to this evening?

xoxox - 

acceptance

ac·cept·ance:  [ak-sep-tuhns]

 ~NOUN:  1) FAVORABLE RECEPTION, APPROVAL, FAVOR; 2) THE ACT OF ASSENTING OR  BELIEVING; 3) THE FACT OR STATE OF BEING ACCEPTED OR ACCEPTABLE~



my husband…and family….. and friends...have been confounded for years now about my love-hate (mostly hate) relationship with my hair.

my husband…and family…and friends… love it… as for me?

i’ve hated it most of my life.

looking at the unruly mess in the mirror, oftentimes, brings me back to the insecure little girl who lives deep inside of me.

 i wish i was blonde.

or brunette.

with preferably straight hair...

because the red hair…

…with curls to boot…

well… it brings teasing….and spit balls…..and pointing…..and pulling…..and fists.

all things that you desperately don’t want in your life, well, ever.

things that you really don’t want as a young child of 5 years of age.

you know.

to be different.

being different is not a desirable trait as a child.

so, I’ve spent most of my life fighting my hair. it is a battle that has raged long and hard for many years. it is either:

1) twisted into a bun
2) perfectly curled with a large barrel curling iron, or
3) straightened with my trusty flat iron.

it is a rare occasion that i will leave the house without one of my perfectly coiffed 'dos.

a few weeks ago, i was at the beach house with the family. i had to work until 6 and the family was chomping at the bit to get to the restaurant. i jumped in the shower, washed my hair, and rushed to find some clothes to put on.

i turned to the mirror and stared at the mass of tangled curls.

ugh!!!!!


no time to blow dry and style.

double ugh!!!!!!!

no time to air dry and toss into a bun. i was going to have to go au natural with the ‘do tonight. i cringed and then haphazardly threw some gel into my hair, scrunched, and rolled out to dinner.

my husband looked at me and said, “you are trying something new tonight with the hair. i dig it. it looks great.”

 i smiled, said thank you, while simultaneously thinking that he HAS to say that and there cannot possibly be a kernel of truth in it.

then, i went to the bathroom in the restaurant.

once again, i was faced with that dreaded mirror.

holy cow!

he was right. it did look great.

my hair, in its natural state, was darn near pretty.

i stared. shook my hair model style. then, i may, or may not, have winked at myself.

for the first time, there i was, crazy mane of red curly hair in its natural state.

no fuss, no muss. just me… and i was in public to boot!

i wasn’t bending and conforming to what i thought i should be…or what i thought i should look like to fit in.

 i was me.

and I LIKED IT.

 it felt good.

authentic.

true.

it got me thinking about how often we try to bend and conform to what we think we should be. or how we think we should look. or how we should feel. or what our opinions should be.

how much time do we spend (and i would venture to say waste) trying to be something we aren’t….or feeling a way we don’t…..or looking a specific way……or thinking a way that doesn’t ring true to our soul.

what if we spent that time understanding who we are and what we think? and embracing those that are different than us? and realizing that all the diversity of physical, mental, spiritual is what makes humanity awesome? what if we spent our time on that?

it reminds me of my first several yoga classes. i was anxious and worried about what the person next to me thought or what the teacher would classify me as.

future yogini or massive yoga failure?

i couldn’t do that pose, i couldn’t stretch or lengthen, i couldn’t balance.

i was a total yoga FAILURE.

but, i returned. to the mat. to the studio. to my path.

then, after about class # 6, i was solely residing in my own body and experience. i was contemplating my own practice, my own thoughts, the way my body responded to a movement, or didn’t, where i was stuck, or why my mind couldn’t just shut up already.

i wasn’t concerned with what others were doing around me. i was just doing my thing. sharing my energy, sharing my practice, but doing what my body and soul needed.

and the rest of my friends in class?

whether they were doing the fullest expression of the pose, or resting in child’s pose, they showed up. they were there. they were rocking it. they were sharing their energy.

as was i.

regardless of our physical appearance or aliments.

regardless of our religious or political beliefs.

regardless of our emotional or mental state of mind.

we were there. and that was awesome. it changed my life.

while intimidation has come and gone in my life, i always go back to that moment….where intimidation and insecurity melted into love and acceptance, not only of others around me, but of myself.

then, it happened again. unguarded, in another moment and place, it happened….where intimidation and insecurity melted into love and acceptance….but this time solely of myself….

i am the girl with the untamed lock of red curly hair.

i am different.

i am special.

i am unique.

HEAR ME ROAR!

favorites

fa·vor·ite:  [fey-ver-it, feyv-rit]

~NOUN:  A PERSON OR THING REGARDED WITH SPECIAL FAVOR OR PREFERENCE~


happy friday, friends!

i don't know about you, but by the time friday rolls around, i'm a mixture of giddiness and exhaustion.  giddy because i have made it to the weekend while simultaneously exhausted after a long work week.

so, like many other blogs, i'll be posting some of my favorite things here on fridays.

it will give my brain a break and save you from having to read an entire post on my latest candle obsession.

see?  win-win.

without further ado, here are my friday favorites this week!

*  fall at the beach - the husband and i decided to pack up and spend the week at our beach house ( major perk of being a mobile employee).  monday and tuesday were a washout, but since then, it has been absolutely lovely.  sunny, but with that cool, crisp bit of fall in the air.

* pecan praline creamer - while frantically searching for sour cream, i stumbled upon this creamer and threw it in my car.  i couldn't resist.  i know it is bad for me, but it is oh.so.good.  thank goodness it is seasonal or i could develop a serious problem.

* jeans, a white 3/4 length sleeve t-shirt, a scarf, boots, and a light sweater, just in case.  also known as my fall uniform.

* candlelight meditation - when i fall off the meditation wagon, this is the easiest way for me to climb back on.  i love it.  (maybe this deserves a separate post?)

* breaking the rules - bogue, our chesapeake bay retriever, is not allowed on furniture, because his daddy is mean.  ;-)  however, at the beach, we break the rules and he gets to sleep in the bed with us and i LOVE it.  no sleeping at the foot of the bed for him, oh no.  it is straight up spooning with mama.  it is our special little treat.   

have a great weekend!

xoxox -

unexpected

un·ex·pect·ed:  [uhn-ik-spek-tid]

~ADJECTIVE:  NOT EXPECTED; UNFORESEEN; SURPRISING~

i had dinner with a “new” friend a few weeks ago.  it was the first time that she and i had hung out independent of our respective men folk.   i’m not going to lie, i was a little nervous at first. 

okay.  a lot nervous. 

i didn’t know how it was going to go or what we would talk about, especially seeing as how i am notorious for not opening up to new people. 

(oh that pesky past….how it will creep up on you when you least expect it….)

we placed our orders and we began a casual chat about the food.

which quickly turned into a conversation about the present…. and about our pasts….and about learning to let go.

we got philosophical.

towards the end of the evening, my dinner companion was reflecting on the current state of her life.  she tilted her head as she determined the perfect descriptive word.

after a brief pause, she used the word content.

i looked at her and said, “santosha?”

little did she know it, but that was a serious shift in pattern for me.  i don’t typically go throwing sanskrit around unless i'm pretty sure my audience is of the yoga practicing variety.  i understand that not everyone wants a dissertation on the 8-limbed path.

(warning:  i will go all passionate yogini if one does ask me anything about yoga.  so, i know from whence i speak when referring to a dissertation on the 8-limbed path.)

so, i try to respect that we each have our own journey and what works for me, may not work for somebody else and that in itself, is awesome.

however, in that moment, being present,  i threw caution to the wind.  i just blurted it out without the least bit of hesitation.

her response?

a smile, a nod, and “yes, santosha.”

it was a beautiful and unexpected moment.

one that i easily could’ve never experienced.

if i had thought about the past…or if I told myself (like I have done so many times) it is dangerous to open up to new people (you could get your heart broken, after all)…or if i had checked my phone for a text, a call, a “like” on facebook…

i would’ve missed it.

i would’ve missed connecting in a very unique way that i would’ve never anticipated.

i would’ve missed the opportunity to place one more stone in the new foundation of friendship.

but, i didn’t.

by divine grace, i remained open and present.

i just adore that.

those wonderfully beautiful and lovely moments that could slip right by, but don’t.

the evening was fantastically unexpected.

xoxox-

present

pres·ent: [prez-uhnt]

~ADJECTIVE:  BEING PRESENT, OCCURRING AT THIS TIME OR NOW; CURRENT.~

well, hello there little blog.  i am sorry i’ve been neglecting you this year.   

the last six months have been quite … interesting … for lack of a better word.   maybe hectic is a better word.   or crazy.  or blurry.   or heart-wrenching, yet heart-expanding.   or exciting.  or mind-shifting.  or happy.  or confusing.

all would be accurate descriptions of the whirlwind that has been going on within and around me.   

i could get into all the little details here of what has and has not gone on, but that doesn’t seem very productive to  me.  the past is the past.  i don’t have any interest in living there and i’m certainly not heading back that way.

the past is good for one thing, teaching us something.  i think what has resonated with me most of all is this:  change happens.  life is full of, in the words of gilda radner, delicious ambiguities.  the future is unknown, and as much as we’d like to control it, we simply can’t.  

what are our options? 

my opinion?  (which is what ya get, considering this is my blog and all.  : )

let go.  live in the moment.  evolve.  love as much as possible (including yourself).   

i don’t know what this blog is going to be.  what it will turn into or how often i will write.

(however, i do plan on writing regularly, but whether regularly means once a week, or once a month, or everyday is to be determined.)

i know that i miss writing.

i know that i have things to share.

so, that’s what I’m going to do. 

what am i going to write about?

what am i going to share?

the things that I’m passionate about?  the things that i enjoy doing?  the important people in my life?

more than likely, a little bit of all of that.

i’m ready and i’d love to have you along.

love,

grateful

grate·ful:  \ˈgrāt-fəl\ 

~adjective:  warmly or deeply appreciative of gifts received; thankful.  synonyms:  appreciative, glad, thankful.~

today i am grateful for:

* an amazingly fun weekend spent with my best friends.

* pinterest, which makes keeping track of recipes i’d like to try infinitely easier.

* forgiving myself for making a mistake and completely letting go of it.  this is a huge accomplishment.

* homemade tomato soup (look for the recipe in an upcoming post).

* bath and body works “sleep well” bubble bath with lavender and chamomile.

* this quote:

everyday's a holiday (with a little gratefulness) -

shine

shine:  \ˈshīn\

~VERB:  TO GIVE FORTH OR GLOW WITH LIGHT; SHED OR CAST LIGHT; TO BE BRIGHT WITH REFLECTIVE LIGHT; GLISTEN; SPARKLE~

 

i absolutely love the new year.  there is something refreshing about having a clean slate and to actually take a day (or two) to reflect on the last year and where you want to go in the upcoming year.

everything always seems so new and sparkly.

it is as if we somehow give ourselves permission to let go and pack away all the baggage (good, bad, or otherwise) of that pesky previous year.

or at least, we try.

so, yeah, i am a huge fan of the new year.

however, i don't do new year's resolutions.  

correction:  i don't do new year's resolutions anymore.

last year while i was in yoga teacher training to get my ryt 200, my teacher spoke of choosing a "word of intention" for the upcoming year.  

the idea is that you sit and reflect on what you really want for yourself and your life (and ultimately those around you) for the upcoming year.  then, you select a word that reflects that intention.  throughout the year, you can keep coming back to that word and really see if you are creating a life for yourself that is a reflection of that intention.

cool, right?

i was totally on board and chose a word for 2011.

for me, this was much more productive than creating a list of resolutions that, inevitably, get lost in the shuffle of this crazy thing we called, "life."  next thing you know, i'm all cranky because i haven't gone to the gym 3 times a week or read more books.

now, if you love to make resolutions, i say, "go for it."  in the words of tupac, "i ain't mad at cha."

this is just what works for me.

so, i have been thinking the past week about what i wanted my word to be for 2012.  i am a huge fan of this blog and i was so inspired by what she has done for her community.  

the word "shine" has just really stuck with me.

i want to shine too.

i thought of other words, but i just kept coming back to shine.

so, i said earlier that you pick your word of intention, but that really isn't true.

it sorta picks you.

so, shine it is.  

i want to shine in everything i do, from my work, to my yoga practice, to play.  i want to be a light to my family, to my friends, and to the world.  i want to "radiate love."  i want to be thankful.  i want to help those who need it most, even if we've never met.  i want to be happy spot in the life of those closest to me.

i spent a lot of time today on pinterest creating a vision board of sorts that i can refer to (you can check it out here).  i'm inspired and i'm excited.  

here we go 2012.  i'm ready!

everyday's a holiday (when you are getting your shine on) -