Wednesday, May 22, 2013

say anything

on new year's eve, i boldly declared that 2013 was going to be my year.

so far, it has been kind of a tough one.

not just on me, but on a lot of people around me and so many american people.

between the boston marathon bombing and now the oklahoma tornadoes, it is hard sometimes to know what to say to someone who has been affected by a tragedy.

it is hard to find the words when someone you love is struggling and hurting and really there are no words.

as someone who is in the midst of a struggle right now, my advice to a person who doesn't know what to say would be this:

show up and say anything.

silence is deafening when you are in pain.

still not sure of what to say?


let me get you started:

1.)  i'm thinking of you.

2.)  i'm so sorry you are going through this. 

3.)  i'm here if you need me.

4.)  this totally sucks.

5.)  i don't know what to say, but i want you to know i'm here.

then, be quiet and listen.

you may hear silence, because sometimes, your friend just isn't in a mood to talk or they don't know what to say, but now they know when they do want to talk that you are there.

i guarantee that you will have made their heart a little lighter in that moment because you showed up.

so, let's all keep (or start) showing up for each other.

that's what friends are for.

xoxox -

Monday, May 20, 2013

one day....

yeah...so about that blogging every day thing....

it isn't that i haven't been writing every day regularly.  a lot of it just hasn't made it here on ye ol' blog.

here's the thing y'all.

the biggest challenge that is going on in my life right now, the health thing that consumes most of my waking thoughts...the health thing that i have to pick myself up and dust myself on and convince myself to keep moving forward....the health thing that is 99.9% of my journal ramblings....

that health thing....i struggle with whether or not to make it public knowledge.

i am not good at being cryptic, contrary to what it looks like on this blog.

i have a tendency to live my life out loud and i really let it go when i am writing.  writing is my outlet.  the place where i don't hold anything back.

so, when i sit here with a blank blog post open and the cursor is blinking at me, what i really want to do is live out loud.  i want to tell anyone who is reading this what the "health thing" is and to not be cryptic anymore.

i want to tell you  how it has and continues to affect my life on a daily basis.  i want you to know how i am coping...how i toggle between thinking that my coping mechanisms are much healthier than they were 2 years, 1 year, 6 months ago or if i have just become completely and totally numb now.  i want you to know that some days i feel like a fearless warrior and some days just completely, for lack of a better word (sorry mom), suck, and i want to throw in the towel.

i want to tell you after months and months and months of letting the health thing steal my joy, i woke up one morning and decided that i was going to live my life and i was going to enjoy it, health thing be damned.

(you know all that stuff i say about you creating your own happiness and not being dependent on anyone or anything else to make you happy?  i am walking the talk, friends, all day, errrry day.)

i want to tell you that even after i decided that, there are days i cry and withdraw from people that love me...  how i have to have hard conversations with them about what to expect, or not to expect from me because i am on heightened self-protection mode...and some days, weeks, months...i just can't.

(i have to be.  i have to protect myself.  the health thing has broken me open too many times.  i've experienced insensitivity in a variety of ways, by those who didn't even know they were demonstrating it at the time.  i have felt excluded and isolated in a way i've never experienced. those who have never been through it, as much as they'd like to, will never truly understand.)

what i want more than anything though, is to be able to reach through the computer screen and help people who are in the same "health thing" club as i am.  i know that there are many members.

i personally only know of one in my circle of people and she has been my life line.

i'd like to be that for someone else.

my whole point of blogging was two-fold:  1)  an outlet for my writing and 2) to be able to help, support, and uplift others.

i know my story could help someone else.

i know this.

all that being said, i'm just not there yet.  i still have a long way to trudge along on this journey.

a journey that is sensitive, emotional, painful at times, and intensely personal.

i just can't.

not yet.

stay with me though.

one day i'll be on the other side of this.


one day i'll be ready to share this chapter or my life.

via



xoxox -

Thursday, May 2, 2013

beginning + candlelight meditation

one of the most challenging things i experienced during my yoga teacher training was getting into a regular meditation practice.

i have no problem sitting still, per se, but while sitting i usually like to be reading, or watching tv, or any other thing than actually really being still physically and mentally.

once i got the hang of it though, i really started to dig it.

if you don't know about the benefits of meditation, take it from the fancy pants science folks by reading this article , this one, and let's add in a third for good measure.

i can personally attest that when i actively practice meditation, i am less anxious, am able to manage my stress better, and i sleep like a champ at night (which is saying something since i battle insomnia on the regular).

full disclosure?

i've fallen off the meditation bandwagon.

actually, more like swan dived off of the wagon....

...and i'm in a place where i need calmness and a good night's sleep more than ever.

no time like the present to haul myself back on the wagon!

if you are new to meditating or are rebooting your meditation practice, here are a few tips for starting out:

1.)  don't overdo it. - when people tell me they've tried to meditate and they just can't, my first question is how long are you attempting to meditate for and i'm never surprised that people usually tell me somewhere around the 20 to 30 minute range.  that is entirely too long for someone starting out.  meditating is just like running.  if you wanted to start running, you wouldn't start out with a half marathon, you'd start slow.  maybe using the couch to 5k method and train for a 5k race over a few months time.  meditation is the same.  start with a 5 minute meditation (which, trust me, in the beginning will seem like an eternity) and slowly increase in intervals of 5 minutes, as you gain more practice.

2.)  find a comfortable seated position. - you don't have to be sitting in full lotus on the floor like the pictures in yoga journal magazine.  use your mat or a pillow and find a seated position that works comfortably for you.  if you experience back pain, try sitting in a chair that will support your back with both feet flat on the floor.  the important thing is to be sitting upright and that you are comfortable, since you are going to be in this position for awhile.

3.)  do not mentally beat yourself up when errant thoughts arise.  - chitta happens.  you know, monkey mind.  thinking 1 bazillion thoughts per minute.  it is going to happen when you begin meditating too.  it takes a lot of practice to quiet and clear your mind, even for just a few minutes.  don't beat yourself up about it and try not to use it as a reason to give up.  what works for me, is letting the thought come into my mind, wrapping it up in a bubble, and then blowing it away (extra points if you recognized the dharma + greg reference).

my teacher, dharma richards, taught us a great meditation during teacher training called candlelight meditation.  i think it is perfect for beginning a meditation practice.

it goes a little something like this:

1.)  place a lighted candle in front of your mat, pillow or chair.
2.)  take a few moments to etch the picture of the flame into your mind.
3.)  close your eyes and begin to picture the flame in your mind.
4.)  the moment the image begins to fade, or you find yourself struggling, reopen your eyes without judgement and repeat steps 2 through 4 for the length of your meditation.

i'd love to hear your comments or if you have any questions, feel free to email me!

so, don't just sit there friends, meditate!

xoxox -

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

golf + rainbows

to say that there has been a lot going on in our world would be an understatement.

pretty serious stuff, actually.

family.  jobs.  interpersonal relationships.  changes.

today, we decided to forget about it all for a hot minute and go play golf.

me.  who has played golf, oh, once in my entire life.

with my husband, who plays golf on the regular.

we had an absolute blast!

i may have whiffed the ball on a regular basis and i may have three-putted more times than i would've liked to, but it was so much fun.

we laughed and joked and shared stories we had never shared before.

we enjoyed the beautiful scenery and we waited out a rain storm....

which made me realize what a beautiful metaphor that is for life in general.

enjoying the beauty and waiting out the rain.

without sunshine and rain, there is no rainbow....

and we enjoyed a beautiful rainbow on the golf course this evening.

here's to the sunshine and the rain....

....and the inevitable rainbow that occurs when they are mixed beautifully by God.

xoxox -