one day....

yeah...so about that blogging every day thing....

it isn't that i haven't been writing every day regularly.  a lot of it just hasn't made it here on ye ol' blog.

here's the thing y'all.

the biggest challenge that is going on in my life right now, the health thing that consumes most of my waking thoughts...the health thing that i have to pick myself up and dust myself on and convince myself to keep moving forward....the health thing that is 99.9% of my journal ramblings....

that health thing....i struggle with whether or not to make it public knowledge.

i am not good at being cryptic, contrary to what it looks like on this blog.

i have a tendency to live my life out loud and i really let it go when i am writing.  writing is my outlet.  the place where i don't hold anything back.

so, when i sit here with a blank blog post open and the cursor is blinking at me, what i really want to do is live out loud.  i want to tell anyone who is reading this what the "health thing" is and to not be cryptic anymore.

i want to tell you  how it has and continues to affect my life on a daily basis.  i want you to know how i am coping...how i toggle between thinking that my coping mechanisms are much healthier than they were 2 years, 1 year, 6 months ago or if i have just become completely and totally numb now.  i want you to know that some days i feel like a fearless warrior and some days just completely, for lack of a better word (sorry mom), suck, and i want to throw in the towel.

i want to tell you after months and months and months of letting the health thing steal my joy, i woke up one morning and decided that i was going to live my life and i was going to enjoy it, health thing be damned.

(you know all that stuff i say about you creating your own happiness and not being dependent on anyone or anything else to make you happy?  i am walking the talk, friends, all day, errrry day.)

i want to tell you that even after i decided that, there are days i cry and withdraw from people that love me...  how i have to have hard conversations with them about what to expect, or not to expect from me because i am on heightened self-protection mode...and some days, weeks, months...i just can't.

(i have to be.  i have to protect myself.  the health thing has broken me open too many times.  i've experienced insensitivity in a variety of ways, by those who didn't even know they were demonstrating it at the time.  i have felt excluded and isolated in a way i've never experienced. those who have never been through it, as much as they'd like to, will never truly understand.)

what i want more than anything though, is to be able to reach through the computer screen and help people who are in the same "health thing" club as i am.  i know that there are many members.

i personally only know of one in my circle of people and she has been my life line.

i'd like to be that for someone else.

my whole point of blogging was two-fold:  1)  an outlet for my writing and 2) to be able to help, support, and uplift others.

i know my story could help someone else.

i know this.

all that being said, i'm just not there yet.  i still have a long way to trudge along on this journey.

a journey that is sensitive, emotional, painful at times, and intensely personal.

i just can't.

not yet.

stay with me though.

one day i'll be on the other side of this.


one day i'll be ready to share this chapter or my life.

via

xoxox -

on going unplugged

my husband religiously reads a blog called zen habits.  every so often, he'll pass along a post that he finds particularly inspirational.

last week, he passed along this post where the author deleted his facebook account.  not deactivated it.  deleted in.  g-o-n-e.

it sparked an interesting discussion among a few of us about social media and its impact on our lives.  my husband resided firmly in the camp of being leery of social media.  sure, he's got a facebook account, but you will very rarely find him posting anything.  while the man never meets a stranger, knows just about everyone in this town, and is quite the extrovert, he is extremely private when it comes to what is and is not shared about his life on social media. i seriously looked for the four horsemen when he posted a status update last summer because that never.ever.happens.

another one of our great friends, who is an avid facebook user, didn't really see what the fuss was about.  he saw facebook as a great tool for keeping in touch with friends and family, sharing photos, and that it didn't really cause him a great amount of stress in his life.

as i read each of their responses, i started thinking about how i felt on the subject.

i believe i fall somewhere in the middle.

unlike my husband, and like my friend, i am an avid facebook user and am dangerously close to being addicted to twitter.  at any given time, you'll know where i'm eating dinner, what quote is speaking to me that day, or see pictures of my adorable brown dog.

who can resist that face?  you know, minus the mud and all.

in addition, facbook has allowed me to reconnect with old friends and connect in a new way with some of my younger family members (love you, cousins)!  i am also part of several private groups on facebook, which allows us to quickly and privately share information, inspiration, and meeting notifications without blasting them to our entire friend list.  i've also found social events, such as a local yogafest, that i would've never known about without facebook.  also, facebook is the main source of traffic for this little blog.

however, i've had my share of pain, for lack of a better word with facebook, as well.  during election season, i have to walk away from facebook on the regular due to political rants that make me angry or frustrated to the point that i want to stab myself in the eye.  truth be told, i have facebook friends that use facebook year-round to share their political or social views, which is fine.  on occasion, i've done the same thing, but 99.9% of the time, i use facebook to share how much i love burritos, how gobsmacked i am at who "the bachelor" eliminated this week, and that my friends rule.

while i don't get caught up in the likes or the comments on facebook, i have to say i do fall victim to that at times with my blog, which i put my heart and soul into every time i post.

in addition, i have unintentionally hurt different friends' feelings by something i did or did not post on facebook. 

no bueno.  when i look at those elements, it makes me wonder if the cons outweigh the pros and sometimes, they do.

i find it interesting that in this world where we are (in theory) more connected than ever by technology, i often feel disconnected and lacking meaningful interactions with my loved ones.  i can't tell you the last time that i've been to a social event where someone (including myself) wasn't emailing or texting or facebooking or tweeting something.

i've been kicking around the word "intention" a lot recently.  what is the intention behind my blog?  what is the intention of my interactions with my family and friends?  i'm still figuring it all out (as i truly believe myself to be an ever-evolving creature), but i think my intention currently is to have meaningful connections with myself and those i hold close to my heart...to really be present and not distracted by a bunch of technological noise. 

for me to accomplish this, i truly believe that unplugging from the distractions of things like texts and facebook, on occasion, is crucial.  easier said than done, for sure.  i've started small though. 

it is a rare occasion that you will find me checking my phone during a lunch or dinner with a friend.  (taking a picture to demonstrate what a fabulous time we are having with a possible facebook post, maybe, but absolutely no texting.)  i try to keep it firmly stowed away in my purse.  just ask my husband.  while enjoying dinner with a group of girlfriends last week, he didn't know whether or not i had fed bogue.  since my phone was in my purse, i didn't see his text, and he had to resort to calling my girlfriend's husband to run downstairs and ask me.  i see these ladies once a month and i wanted to be engaged with them, not preoccupied with texts or facebook "likes" and i would be if my phone was within arm's reach. 

i admit that i do struggle with this more at home, where my ipad, computer, and iphone are within arm's reach.  so, that is the next hurdle for me to overcome.  maybe putting them in a different room is a good place to start.

well, maybe not the phone.  you know, in case of emergency and all.  :)

do you ever go unplugged?  

linking up with:  random wednesdays

xoxox -

contentment (santosha)

con·tent·ment:  [kuh n-tent-muh nt]

~ NOUN:  THE STATE OF BEING CONTENTED; SATISFACTION; EASE OF MIND ~

happy new year, friends.

last night, we started a new tradition in our home of the "burning bowl."  basically, you write down a word(s) or a phrase(s) that you'd like to leave behind as you move into the new year.  then, you set it on fire and place it a bowl.  oh, i had several little slips of paper in our burning bowl last night and it was glorious, lovely, and liberating.

....out with the old.....

today, i have turned my focus to my word of intention.

since 2011, i have forgone the traditional new year's resolutions and have chosen a word of intention instead.  if you are new to the blog, check out this post from last january that gives you the scoop and my perspective on why it works better for me, personally.

now, if you l-o-v-e your resolutions, i say go for it and i'll be here cheering you on from the sidelines!

i have had three words rumbling through my mind over the past few days.  i pondered them over and over again and really was having a difficult decision.

when i woke up this morning, it hit me.

i knew what my word for 2013 was going to be.

i've said it before and i'll say it again, it really does choose you at the end of the day.

contentment (santosha, for the yogis/yoginis out there) is my word of intention for 2013.

oh yeah.  it is a doozy and it is certainly setting myself up for a good, healthy dose of self-reflection, with a mighty long journey to go along with it.

(really, though, what life experience isn't just that?)

you see, i am from a long line of planners.

i do x, y, z and i expect the outcome to be a, b, c.

i will analyze (and over-analyze) all the potential outcomes if i do x, y, z or if i conversely do m,n,o what will happen.  next thing you know, i've worked myself into a complete tizzy.

and if a, b, c doesn't come into fruition?

let's not go there.  it can be quite ugly.

of course, this can be to one's advantage in  the workplace, but in the personal space, it can drive you, well, crazy.

what i find deliciously ironic about all of this is that i have learned over and over (and over) that this equation that i've used time and time again, simply doesn't work so well in my personal life.

when i was 22 years old, i had my whole life timeline planned out:  job (22), job progression (24), marriage (26), children (first one by 30).

let me tell you how my whole "master" plan worked out.

it didn't.

i tried to make it work...desperately clawing and pushing to fit square pegs in round holes.

still didn't work.

i cursed and screamed and yelled.

life was not budging, at least in the direction i was willing it to.

at some point, probably around 30 or so, when i wasn't married, had no children, but the job thing was okay, but not exactly what i wanted, i decided i had to let that whole timeline thing go.

and you know, what?  that whole timeline being a complete and total bust?

biggest.blessing.EVER.

well, through a series of twists and turns, i find my inner control freak creeping back out with a vengence.  trying to control things that simply aren't controllable.

obsessing over the future.  condemning of past decisions.

the concept of "let go and let God" has gone completely out the window.

girlfriend has got to get back in check.

i'm missing the present.

i have so much.  SO MUCH.

so many blessings.  so much love.  so much joy.

i want, nary i say, need to be content in the present.....

to have my own sense of inner peace and happiness.

this quote really spoke to me:

"No one longs for what he or she already has, and yet the accumulated insight of those wise about the spiritual life suggests that the reason so many of us cannot see the red X that marks the spot is because we are standing on it.  The treasure we seek requires no lengthy expedition, no expensive equipment, no superior aptitude or special company. All we lack is the willingness to imagine that we already have everything we need. The only thing missing is our consent to be where we are.” ~Barbara Brown Taylor

so, i'm looking forward to this journey and working towards being content with the big red x that i'm standing on today and the different one i will be standing on tomorrow.

each day of this life truly is a treasure, if we just take a moment to recognize what we already have, instead of what we are lacking.

xoxox,

p.s. - like last year, i also created a pinterest board for inspiration of this year's word of intention.  you can find it here.